You think influencers are high maintenance? Let me introduce you to someone who insists on drinking lukewarm milk only from the blue cup with the dinosaur on it, served at exactly 5:04 a.m., while wearing socks but no pants.
Yes. I’m talking about your baby. Or more accurately: your tiny, unfiltered, chaos-powered influencer.
Let’s break it down.
Their Personal Brand Is Stronger Than Yours
Your baby knows who they are. They wake up screaming “BAH-NANA!” like it’s a spiritual mantra. Not a banana cut into slices. Not a banana broken in half (heaven help you if you break it). A whole banana they can hold triumphantly in their sticky little hands like Simba on Pride Rock.
They’ve committed to the bit.
You? You’re just trying to survive it.
They Have Creative Direction
You want them to wear the cute neutral-toned outfit your aunt sent? Too bad. Today they’ve decided on mismatched pajamas, one mitten, and a firefighter helmet. They serve looks. You don’t get it, but that’s because you’re not on their level.
When they hurl a bowl of oatmeal to the floor, that’s not a tantrum—that’s performance art.
You Are the Paparazzi
You now have 3,842 blurry iPhone photos of your child mid-sneeze, licking a remote, or looking deeply concerned about a Cheerio. You narrate their day like a social media manager:
“Look at that big yawn! #MondayMood”
“First time touching grass. Literally. #NatureBabe”
But unlike an influencer’s team, you don’t get paid in money. You get paid in giggles. Or occasionally, regurgitated blueberries.
They’re Unapologetically Themselves
They’ll poop during a photo shoot and stare you down while doing it. They’ll throw a tantrum in Target wearing light-up shoes and a spaghetti-smeared face, and you’ll STILL tell them they’re adorable. They are. And they know it.
They’re the ultimate brand: chaotic, cute, and completely uncancellable.
So next time you’re scrambling to find the exact Paw Patrol plate while holding a baby who is shrieking like a demon with a PR team, just remember: You are the behind-the-scenes hero of their TikTok-less empire.
You manage snacks, outfits, emotional meltdowns, and creative visions all before 9 a.m.
No one else could do it quite like you.
And that’s what makes you the real star. ✨
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